Don’t Despise the Differences

In regard to marriage, it is not uncommon to hear both newlyweds as well as veteran couples express dismay at God’s created order. What was God thinking? Is this some kind of joke? How in the world is she a suitable helpmate when everything is such a contrast. She is more verbal, he is less. He likes totally different things than she does. Sexual desires are experienced at different times, in different ways, and in different strengths. Where is the suitability? Where is the compatibility? There must be a mistake.

Certainly an ultimate mistake has been baked into this whole thing. The fall brought disastrous consequences , but the fall did not alter the fundamental nature of being male and female. Those natures were in place at the start. And if we take a moment to think about this, the fundamental goodness of this becomes more and more obvious.

Kindergartners may have a problem with diversity, but adults understand the goodness of it when they are thinking clearly. Calling differences bad is the basis for racism and all forms of prejudice. Differences bring varying strengths, different perspectives, and new ways of doing life. Unity is never about uniformity, and always about complimentary harmony. It is ironic that we see American culture singing the praises of differences more and more, yet marriage is falling more and more out of style.

So why is it so hard to see the goodness of differences in marriage? Because fallen man became selfish, and selfish people always see differences as liabilities and deficiencies. Selfish people are not interested in blessing and serving and building up other people. They want to be served, and they will be served best when others are just like them. Compatibility is usually a code word for selfishness.

There is only one rescue from this. Only one thing can transform people from self-seeking to servant-minded. Only one thing can change a heart to rejoice in another’s joy and weep in another’s pain. Only the gospel is the power of God. Only the gospel makes us a new man in Christ, freeing us to love God and love others in ways never known before.

There are many glorious goals for marriage but the one we are focused upon in this blog is the glory of companionship. This companionship will only operate in fullness when there is Spirit-empowered delight in differences and joy in blessing those differences. Selfishness is the continual siren-call upon our heart, but the gospel has made it possible to rejoice in the particular features of our mate.